I Guess I Loved You
by angelstryst
Summary: Max's companion piece to It Doesn't Matter. Set during Blah, Blah, Woof, Woof while she is in the cabin.


_Okay, you asked for it, and I am able to deliver. Thanks to everyone who read **It Doesn't Matter**. If you didn't, it's Logan's companion piece to this one. Just to let you know my awsome beta gave me a hand cleaning it up so there are a few changes if you want to read it over again._

_Thanks to Insane Troll Logic for her fantastic skills. She kept this from sounding like my mind, which is very abstract and has too many thoughts at once. _

_This song is compliments of my friend Rachel. I had never heard of the song and was only vaguely familiar with the artist, but the lyrics were so beautiful I decided to use them for this piece. The song is **I Guess I Loved You** by **Lara Fabian**._

_Please R&R! Thanks_.

* * *

**I Guess I Loved You**

Max sat at the window watching the rain fall down around the cabin. She saw Zack's refection as he scoped out the kitchen. She wished it was Logan's reflection instead. Zack didn't belong here. She didn't belong here with Zack. The whole day felt surreal. She kept waiting to wake up or have someone jump out and yell '_Surprise_.' She might consider killing that person though.

_**Now  
Tomorrow is all there is  
No need to look behind the door  
You won't be standing there no more **_

I can't believe I'm leaving. I just started to build myself a life and Lydecker has to come and destroy it all once again. Maybe I should have let that militant moron shoot him. My selfish reasons for keeping him alive were stupid. I shouldn't dwell on the past though. Not like I can change it.

I'm going to miss my friends though. Logan said he'd tell them that I had to go.

I wonder what they will think. I wonder what he's going to tell them.

_**I had my chance  
To dance another dance  
I didn't even realize  
That this was all love and no lies  
Then I lost you**_

I guess this is it. I can't help but think that maybe there is something wrong that Logan wasn't telling me. I guess I'll never know. His secrecy drives me nuts. I know I'm not much better but at least I've got my reasons. I want to tell that little voice inside my head that's saying, _So does he, _to go to hell. I wonder if he is going to miss me or even all the wackiness that comes with being me. This is probably the right thing though. I am a danger to everyone I know. Look what happened to Vogelsang and I was just using him for information. I hate the thought of hurting someone again.

_**I guess I loved you  
Less, less than I should  
Now all there is  
It's me and me  
I turn around and all I see  
The past where I have left our destiny  
**_

I watched the rain, hoping Logan made a safe trip home. It was coming down pretty hard, but that's normal for this area. He's used to driving in it, so why should I be worried?

_I can still taste him on my lips_.

_**Now  
Tomorrow is a mystery  
I can not live without a dream  
Vanishing from reality  
I wanna know **_

It feels stupid but I don't want to wash that taste away. I'm being foolish and emotional I know but sometime over the course of our--partnership, nah that's not right--friendship, maybe, things started to change. I started to feel something more then casual feelings. He changed when he was shot. When I first met him I was attracted to him but I thought he was too much of a playboy for me to want any connection with.

_**Would you come back to me?  
Now that I finally realised  
You are my home  
You are my life  
**_

I still wonder why I went back and saved him. Everyday I'm glad I did though. He became a different person. Or maybe he changed my outlook on things. A selfish part of me wishes he stayed the night with me. A part of me wishes I kissed him a long time ago. It was so intense. I've never been kissed like that before. Was it just the emotions? Probably. If I had kissed him before, there would only be more hurt for me and him to hold onto though.

**_I need you_**  
**_I guess I loved you  
Oh, less, less than I should  
_**

Zack said we're going to split up. I should have known that this day would get worse. He kept looking at me strangely. Kinda like I catch Logan looking at me sometimes. Except the looks don't feel right coming from Zack. He's the closest thing I have to a brother for crying out loud. When Logan looks at me like that, it feels different. I like it and secretly look forward to when he might do it again.

_**Now all there is  
It's me and me  
I turn around and all I see  
The past where I have left our destiny**_

It just hit me that I might never see that look again. It feels like someone just knifed me in the gut. I wish Logan came with me. I'm tired of being alone. I desperately want to come back to Seattle as soon as I can. Zack is gonna freak but I don't care. I want to check on my friends… and Logan.

_**I guess I loved you  
Ah, less, less, less, less than I could  
Another time  
Another run **_

Zack's been asleep for a few hours. I've tried to rest but I keep having this nagging sensation that something is wrong. The rain has slowed down outside to a soft tapping on the roof. I try to focus on that but I can't seem to push this feeling away. I keep feeling remorse for all the times I've shoved Logan away. I'm scared of what this thing I'm feeling for him actually is. I know a good soldier doesn't get all emotional, but I've learned something in the past few months: I'm a person too. It took a underground cyber-journalist to show me that but I think I've finally started to accept it.

_**To mend both of our broken hearts  
To tell you how much I can love you now**_

That feeling is intensifying again. I'm gonna call Logan, screw Zack. I just need to hear his voice and make sure that Logan's okay. It's just a phone call… I just have to compose myself so my damn voice doesn't crack.

**_I guess, I guess I loved you  
I guess I loved you  
_**


End file.
